Dear mum

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you more often at your house. I wish I had been more patient with you, even though sometimes you were difficult. I wish I had tried to help you more with all the little things around the house, as I knew how busy life could be, and how many things there are to do, and how difficult it can be with new technology and not knowing how to do it all yourself.

I am glad to see that you had a full life, in more ways than I could ever have expected! You had so many friends and cared for all of your neighbours. You had many hobbies and were so good at them! And you were loved by those around you for your cheery manner, whatever the situation.

Thank you mum, for everything: for everything you have given to Nils and me, for everything you were and gave to the world! Thanks, mum ,for raising us, through those hard times. For not giving up in the dark, desperate days. For feeding us, clothing us, for striving for our education and always expecting us (and making us) do our best.

Thank you for taking me to and from Chigwell School in your trusty old Ford Fiesta. For waiting for me as I dawdled over to you after everyone else had left, teasing me for “locking up the school” before coming to the car for the trip home. For taking me to music school for my guitar lessons . For taking us to athletics practice after school even though you must have been very tired after working nights and being a single mum.

I remember a lot of good times growing up, whether it was going to visit family or friends, playing in the garden, renting Tamil films from the local “Nathans” or going to Sainsburys and getting cakes for tea. We had fun, despite all the discipline, and you were always there. Without a father around, you were the one who took me to Boots to teach me how to shave, you mended and altered my clothes and you got me a tutor when I was struggling to reach the standard I wanted in Maths in secondary school.

There are so many things I wish I could say to you right now, to find out more about your life, to ask for your advice. But I can’t. And never again will be able to. At least not in person. But you will always be in my heart: you are a part of me, Nils, Gabriel, Aariya, Rafael and Mylan.

It was also always cute to see how Thor and you interacted. He would always come and wag his tail around you and try to lick your hand and you would give him a quick tentative stroke to say “OK, now, that’s enough”. Or when you got up from the sofa to go and do something, he would jump onto your seat to make the most of the warmth and then look at you when you came to take the seat back.

I still can’t believe that this is the end. I will never see you again. You are not on this Earth anymore. I will never hear your laugh, never talk to you, never hug you, never see you playing with the boys, never work out with you in the morning, never walk Thor with you, never eat your chicken curry nor your famous colourful cake.

And now you are there with the angels, I can still pray to you. I know you are looking down on me and smiling. No doubt telling me off about something, but secretly happy and proud of me. I will live my life through the example you have set. I will give more to charity and take care of those around me. I will work hard and enjoy the simple things. And always try to stay positive and cheery, no matter what life throws at me.

Thank you for being my mum, I could not have asked for anyone better. You are now at peace in the garden of heaven. I will see you again one day.

Yours always

Nimesh